By Iris Farrou
24 Sep, 2023
Lifestyle Tips, Menopause, Mental Health, Peri-Menopause, Queer Health, Reproductive health, Sexual health, Women's Health
Anxiety, asexual, asexuality, assault, boyfriend, Buffalo NY, Depression, exhaustion, fear of intimacy, fiancé, girlfriend, how to be a supportive partner, how to bring up low sex drive, husband, intimacy fears, lack of intimacy, Low libido, low sex drive, medications that kill sex drive, meds, mental health interfere with sex drive, OB/GYN, OBGYN, overwhelmed, partner, PTSD, sexual trauma, talk to my doctor about low libido, what is a healthy sex life, why does my partner not want to have sex, why is my libido gone, wife
This may be a touchy subject for many women, as on the one hand a lot of us experience low sex drive, but on the other hand we don’t talk about it! The issue becomes more complicated when healthcare providers don’t even ask us about our libido, yet hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD) is quite a common issue women deal with. Additionally, many psychologists, primary healthcare providers and OBGYNs are trained to care for and treat HSDD. HSDD is defined as the absence of desire for sexual activity and/or sexual fantasies– we most often just refer to it as “low libido,” and like anything else, it can have its ebbs and flows. Lack of sex drive can be frustrating in a relationship, but it is a normal thing to be experiencing, it can be traced back to causes, and it doesn’t mean that it’s permanent or that you do not love or are attracted to your partner.
What Causes It?
Especially in women, low libido can be attributed to hormonal changes or imbalances: this can be during the menstrual cycle as estrogen and progesterone levels rise and lower, during menopause when our estrogen levels dramatically drop, in the case of a total hysterectomy, during pregnancy, or if you have PCOS–just to name a few examples.
Another common reason for low libido in women are mental health issues, as well as medications. Depression and anxiety, PTSD, and past sexual trauma can negatively affect a woman’s desire for sex. Many times, the medications used to treat mental health issues can worsen an already low libido. This does not mean an important medication should be stopped, but you can–and should–bring it up with your therapist or mental healthcare professional.
Life stressors, chronic stress, and fatigue can minimize the body’s natural sexual urges. This is even more prevalent in new mothers, or families with young kids: the everyday exhaustion, lack of sleep, and constant worry simply leave no room for sexual intimacy, or desire thereof.
What Can We Do?
If one partner has low or no interest in sex while in a healthy relationship, remember it is a team effort: it is not up to the partner who has low libido to “solve” the issue and magically become better.
- The first thing to consider and talk about, even if it’s uncomfortable, is relationship issues. Your partner’s desire for sex, or how safe they feel, may be affected by something in the relationship neither of you knew was an issue until you really examined it and talked about it.
- If you and/or your partner face mental health issues, it is important to carefully consider how those may be affecting your sex life. Especially if you take any medications, look into the side effects and talk with your therapists about how they could be affecting your sex drive, and solutions to balance that out.
- Redefine intimacy in ways that work for you, and where sex is not the goal or the starting point. You may plan a romantic date, do small daily things to lessen stress, or start with small affectionate gestures to help strengthen your romantic bond.
If you feel that your lack of interest in sex is related to a more serious health issue, either physical or mental, or to a serious issue in your relationship that you have not communicated about, it may be a good idea to seek out professional help and support. HSDD is not uncommon, and many medical professionals can assist you with it; you know your body and life circumstances best, and with a bit of assistance you will be able to get to the root of the issue much more effectively.
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By Iris Farrou
18 Aug, 2023
Childhood Health, Early Childhood Education, Fatherhood, Lifestyle Tips, Mental Health, New Moms, Parenting, Toddler Health, Young adults & teens
Abuse, Accident, ACE, Childhood Illness, Childhood Trauma, Children, Community, Divorce, Family Dynamic, Financial Stress, Grieving, Kids, Mental Health, Neglect, Nightmares, Pediatric, Pediatric Mental Health Care, PTSD, Teenager, Toddler Trauma, Trauma, Traumatic Childhood Experiences, Violence, Witness, Witnessing
When we’re getting ready to start a new family, we may find ourselves reflecting on our own childhood experiences, and comparing with our partner how each person grew up– perhaps the goal of this introspection is to create a new family that is healthy, happy, and flourishes with good communication. If you are in the process of family planning, you may want to take into account ACEs: Adverse Childhood Experiences.
What are they?
Adverse Childhood Experiences are traumatic events children experience between the ages of 0-17. These have long lasting effects, may lead to chronic health conditions, and people address them well into adulthood. It is important to remember that ACEs affect a child’s brain, and how they experience the world.
ACEs are quite common, with 60-80% of US adults reporting they have had at least one adverse childhood experience up until age 17, and 1 in 6 US adults saying they’ve had four or more. The most potentially traumatic ACEs can include experiencing violence, abuse, or neglect in the home, neighborhood, or school, witnessing violence in the community or otherwise living in a dangerous environment (war zone, poverty stricken areas, etc.), going through a natural disaster, witnessing serious injuries or the death of another person, losing a loved one or experiencing parental loss due to separation. However, this is by no means an exhaustive list of possible ACEs: any event that may cause trauma and long-term stress can be classified as an adverse childhood experience that adversely affects a person as an adult.
How do I know if my child has had an ACE?
The effects of a traumatic or stressful event may not be immediately visible, or take place soon after the traumatic event has occurred. If your child confides something in you that would be traumatic, then that is a clear indication of an event that would warrant immediate support–with the assistance of a mental health professional who specializes in children or teenagers.
Additionally, if you are going through something as a family, such as a divorce, death, fatal accident or illness, natural disaster, poverty, community violence, unemployment, housing and/or financial insecurity, you may want to address those events as potentially traumatic for your child. We cannot always correct or control life’s adversities, but we can recognize them for what they are and present this as a starting point to healing. If you recognize, as a family, that an event has been traumatic then this shows to your child that it’s ok for things to not be “normal”–that it’s part of life, and that our reactions or daily life will change when something happens.
If there is an event or experience that you do not know about, once your child has had time to process the experience you may start noticing signs of trauma that could include, but are not limited to: difficulty sleeping or having nightmares, wetting the bed, changes to their mood, fear of other people, difficulties in school, avoiding situations, events, or people (these may be directly associated with the traumatic event), as well as difficulty showing affection towards family and friends–especially if this is a change from their usual behavior.
How can we avoid ACEs?
The unfortunate truth is that we cannot completely eliminate ACEs, as much as we may want to. What we can do, however, is raise awareness about them so that we can all start thinking differently about childhood trauma. Historically disadvantaged populations are more susceptible to trauma, but that does not mean that everyone else is excluded. The causes may be societal, historical, natural forces, or people, but each one of us can help lessen the blow of an ACE: whether you are a parent, friend, caregiver, teacher, or neighbor. Raising awareness of ACEs means switching the focus from individual responsibility to community solutions: we can all help prevent ACEs, and help children develop strong coping mechanisms. It is important to reduce the stigma associated with parents who struggle to provide a safe environment for their children, and seek community and/or government support to do so. It is also important to remember that any one of us can promote safe, stable, and nurturing environments where children are present.
https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/aces/fastfact.html
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/symptoms/24875-adverse-childhood-experiences-ace
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